The old rules of courtship free us for what matters on a date: getting to know the man or woman across the table.
Romance is in the air this week. Or, what the card industry would have us call romance. We’re inundated with cheesy love poems and all things pink, red, violet, and chocolate. In the midst of these so-called accoutrements of romance, sex is on display almost everywhere we turn. Victoria’s Secret has its email blasts going. Crass humor seems to lurk behind seemingly innocent messages of tenderness in the Valentine’s aisle at the drug store. Advertisements and drug store displays encourage men to buy their lady-friends lingerie and fuzzy red sex toys as tokens of affection.
Yet the desire for true romance refuses to die. Debates about dating, love, courtship, marriage, sex, and the kitchen sink are abounding, recently spurred by a piece declaring the end of courtship in the New York Times. The debates seem to go something like this:
“Texting and Words with Friends and Grouper have ruined courtship.”
“Hooray that texting has sent courtship packing. We never wanted it anyway. Now we can be free to date however we want without artificial gender norms!”
“But it would be nice to go on a real date. One where the guy shows up at some point.”
“I’m SO glad I don’t have to sit through fancy meals like women used to be forced to do. What a relief.”
Nothing we haven’t heard before, of course. As a single millennial female, college-educated where the hook-up scene was second to none, I can’t help but notice a rather gaping hole in this conversation. It is entirely focused on “dates” asactivities. But what about “dates” as people? Isn’t getting to know people what the whole process is supposed to be about in the first place?
The conversation has been framed as though it’s all about courtship, but I can’t help but wonder – is it? Courtship is that old-fashioned way young men and women met, got to know one another, got to know one another’s families, shared laughs and adventures, talked about life, and ultimately decided whether they wished to marry each other – and either did so or moved on. (Christmas wasn’t too terribly long ago -- think of George and Mary’s romance in It’s a Wonderful Life. That’s courtship.)
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